Seen in e_juliana's LJ

[cupcake_goth]

Let me save you $40, here's how to be happy. (Clicky-link!)

Yes, what the author is saying is obvious. And yes, I know that lots of us follow some (or all) of his advice. But hey, reminders are good!

You really should click through and read the post, but the condensed version is this:

1. Stop being a dick.
2. Stop whining.
3. Get out, get some exercise, unplug and deal with real people.
4. If people are treating you like crap, then let them go.
5. Your critics are always right.
6. Do hard stuff for a change.
7. Let stuff go / suck it up.

Sooo, I really need to keep working on 2, 6, and 7. I need to remember all of them, really, but 2, 6, and 7 are the ones I tend to not be as diligent about.

EDIT: a comment from javagoth made me want to clarify something. No, I don't entirely agree with #5. But, I think it's meant in the "Their perception is valid, and you might want to try and figure out what has given them that particular perception of you. Don't just dismiss it out of hand."

One's critics aren't always right. But I do think listening to one's critics is more valuable than a knee-jerk dismissive reaction.

Comments

[javagoth.livejournal.com]

Didn't read the article yet but I tend to disagree with this assertion:

5. Your critics are always right.

[e-juliana.livejournal.com]

The article fleshes it out:

If someone seriously says that you are some way — if they tell you you’re embarrassing to be around, or if they compare you to someone you hate, or if they say you’re not a very nice person, or whatever — then you are that way. You may not be that way in the core of your being, and you may not want to be that way, and it may be a surprise that you have come off that way, but their perception of you is valid, and you need to accept and deal with that. What did you do that made them think that was true? Where are they coming from with their experience of you that made it seem accurate? Ask yourself (and them) these questions, and see if you can take it as an opportunity for self-improvement.

[javagoth.livejournal.com]

Yep - that makes it better. Thanks. See also my reply to cupcake_goth. :)

[cupcake-goth.livejournal.com]

It's meant in the "Their perception is valid, and you might want to try and figure out what has given them that particular perception of you. Don't just dismiss it out of hand."

You're absolutely right, one's critics aren't always right. (And I'm probably going to edit my post to mention that!) But I do think listening to one's critics is more valuable than just a knee-jerk dismissal.

[ladymoira.livejournal.com]

It can also depend on if they are a critic or just someone indulging in #1. Remember - you are your own worst critic.

[javagoth.livejournal.com]

Now that I went and read the article I can see the point better - particularly in conjunction with #4. Thing is that I've had just too many instances where people who were of the sort that were dicks and folks I needed to drop heaped criticism that wasn't valid and because I didn't have good self esteem at the time I took it all in and beat myself up more.

So, it's a bit of a button for me. On the other hand, in the context of the article, it reminds me of a saying my counselor has: "Communication is what comes back to you." His point being that no matter what you intended to communicate - what the other person heard is what was communicated.

[staxxy.livejournal.com]

like most advice of this kind, it has some great concepts (effectively - be interactive instead of reactive), but the execution leaves me lacking in the massive amounts of assumptions it makes about how everyone lives their lives.

Being indoors and on the computer *can* actually be providing more healthy social time than you would get by going to the town library - you can be talking LIVE to REAL people, while DOING STUFF with them. ;) I do it all the time.

also, there is a difference between venting and whining. And a lot of people do not know that, for some stupid reason. Whining is not so healthy, but *venting* when things bother you is far more healthy than sucking it up.

/rant

[cupcake-goth.livejournal.com]

Yes, venting is important. But I know that *I* fall into the trap of thinking I'm venting, when actually I'm being fussy and merely whining. :)

And yeah, online interaction is absolutely a valid form of socializing. But there is something to be said for going out and seeing people, too.

[staxxy.livejournal.com]

I totally agree. I was more thinking things like the Talk Server which are a lot like being on the phone with a group.

[sistawendy.livejournal.com]

1: ?
2: I try to avoid it.
3: Got it covered, mostly. I hope to see more peeps next week.
4: Needs work.
5: I'm my own harshest critic.
6: Recently, I've had that covered.
7: Needs work.

[water-of-fire.livejournal.com]

At first glance I thought someone had hacked your LJ because there's no way you'd post the word "dick." :)

4. If people are treating you like crap, then let them go.

Boy, implementing that one is the best thing I've done for myself in AGES.

[scourgeotheseas.livejournal.com]

Interesting, thanks!

[vorona.livejournal.com]

Love it. LOVE IT. I've been thinking a lot along these lines, myself, recently. I'm getting tough with myself these days, and it's not just about food. This is the season for doing hard stuff.

You know, I thought about #5 and my thoughts went: quibble, quibble, quibble, and then I thought better. No, MAYBE my critics aren't always right, but it is ALWAYS a good idea to try listening receptively, openly, just to counterbalance the natural to resist criticism. This tendency is so strong, so universal, and so destructive, that it's a worthwhile gamble for me to listen, just as an experiment. Even if I then come back and have a hundred reasons why my critics are wrong, wrong, wrong. At least I can say I looked at the other side. It is worth it.

It's important to note that he's referring to ways that people behave or come across, and "criticism" of one's personal appearance does not have to affect one's self-worth. It's like, if someone says to me "hey, your ears are big!" it's like, well, OK, materially, concretely, they are. And? Can't please everyone. But if someone says "you are a whiny, argumentative bitch," I can decide what that information is worth to me. If I want more friends who prefer more demure friends, then I can change the argumentative part. If the whiny part makes me cringe, I can change the whiny part. Or I can decide that I like these flaws and keep them, but at least I know the cost of my decision.

Of course, if it turns out that they're just being a dick (#1) then I am OK with letting them (#4) go.

[poetry-lady.livejournal.com]

I have issues with #5, because for some people, who've had it drilled into their head that others are always right, it means they spend their lives trying to turn themselves inside out to please others. When in fact, there was nothing wrong with them in the first place, and they were dealing with real a**hats.

Another problem I have with #5 is one of the current frustrations in my life. Contradictions. Some critics say I'm too independent; others that I'm too needy. Often from the same conversation. Ex-BF A. at one point early in our relationship said I was too needy; later on, he was always complaining that I didn't "need him enough." Nothing changed; my neediness and attitudes & how I acted around "need"hadn't changed.

So which is right? You can rip your head off from all the going around in circles...

Interesting regurgitation of principals I've heard for a while now...a bit offputting, but likely more accessible for the cynical side of the world.

[septembergrrl.livejournal.com]

I don't think that's bad advice at all.

One thing I've learned about critics? Most people tend to let things slide the first time they notice it. So if someone is peeved enough to actually say something to you ... it usually means it's something you've done before or annoyed other people with, and you need to consider if it is a problem in how you present yourself. The other possibility, of course, is that some people are just mean, but I agree it's better not to kneejerk to that conclusion.

[skepticle.livejournal.com]

I am the reigning champion of #7, vicious and unrelenting.

And so I will give you some unsolicited advice.
Your stuff is not your past or how you feel about the people in it (some of whom may now be dearly departed). If you have an emotional attachment to a 'thing', I suggest analyzing it. Stuff is not emotions. Junk is not a record of who you are or where you came from. And although we of the dark live out meaning through aesthetic, I recommend being rather discriminating in that area.

Then again, if you are not overwhelmed, I don't see the problem.

[tzaddi-93.livejournal.com]

I really liked this part: "It’s hard to demand your dignity, it’s hard to submit to humility, and it’s hard to focus on self-improvement instead of self-destruction. But, if you do those things, you’ll be happier for it. Take the hard road: that’s where the good stuff is."

Regarding #5: I think this one is partially true, with some caveats. Yes, if someone you respect or care about comes to you with a valid concern about your behavior, it's worth at least listening to and thinking about. Ditto if multiple people have the same criticism of you. My husband's favorite uncle used to say, "If one person has a complaint about you, it's probably them. If two people have a complaint about you, it might be you. If three people have the same complaint about you, it's you."

I won't buy into the "all critics are automatically right," because everyone views the world through their own cultural and personal biases. Many of the criticisms people get are actually the "reactions" described in #1, dressed up to look like rational critique. Also, someone's perception of your behavior might be the result of miscommunication/misunderstanding (i.e. they think you are a snob when you are really painfully shy.) I can agree that their statements, if brought to you with respect and seriousness, a worthy of consideration. But just because their perceptions are valid to them does not mean that their conclusions are automatically objectively correct.