cupcake_goth | Recent Entries

- I get to go back on HRT, THANK G-D. This will, of course, be revisited after my next (really soon) MRI, but hallelujah, I'll have some relief from the hot flashes, brain fog, upswing of insomnia, hair loss, and random crying.

- Speaking of insomnia, this week has been rough. Even if I fall asleep at a "decent" time, my sleep is patchy and broken. Add that to the fact that I actually need somewhere around ten hours of sleep, and I've been an incoherent mess all week. Today I feel like I'm mildly drunk, but without the fun part.

-

minim_calibre and I decided YOLO and paid more money to get MUCH better seats for the My Chemical Romance concert. Did you know you could upgrade tickets purchased from Ticketmaster? I certainly didn't. But hey, a better view of the stage! I'm still sad that I'm going to see my precious cupcakes of bombast only one time on this tour ("only" omg I'm spoiled) but I'll cope. There's feverish speculation in the fanbase that maybe they'll preview songs from an unreleased album, or maybe they'll announce a new album. I love all this speculation, but I also believe none of it.

- Random perfume comment: If you love Goth Club 89 from the now-closed Whisper Sisters, Midnight Toker from Heretic Perfumes is a toned-down version of it. I hate the name, but the scent is lovely.

(Threat level: MCR lyrics as post titles)

Work is still :: hands ::

I've talked to some other folks, cone of silence engaged, about how to get better at communication with boss lady. I feel pretty confident now, but who knows how long that will last.

One funny thing about all of those conversations: apparently very few people realize how many people I manage. In the writing/design/research ... community at work, the only person who manages more people than me is my boss. Ahahahahaha.

---

The Seattle MCR concert is next month! I had an outfit idea which involves being sleeveless. Cue the Body Image Demons. In an attempt to shut them up, I turned to Tumblr for a pep talk and my G-D did they deliver. I think my favorite tag responses from reblogs were "I'm not sure if I want to fuck you or be you" and "Not to be a lesbian but omg omg omg omg".

So YES, I will wear my planned outfit and not give a fuck about my flabby arms. My therapist will be very proud of me.

---

There's apparently a goth book club starting up near me! I'm going to do my damndest to attend, because it sounds like a great idea. There's dancing at the venue after the book club is over. Part of me wants to stay for that, but it's all on a Sunday night, so I should probably be a responsible adult and head home after book club. Dammit, I hate being a responsible adult.

Yep, my hair is thinning. It's not totally obvious, but it is happening, and I'm mad about it. I'm taking a hair growth supplement that includes biotin, I'm including a lot of protein in my diet, I'm taking an iron supplement, I'm not pulling my hair back tightly, and yet. The likely culprits are how some of my meds interact + not being on HRT because of breast cancer risk. I always had fine hair, but I had a LOT of it. That's no longer the case.

So! I'm going to get my hair cut. Not SUPER short, but to the top of my bra strap, and hopefully that will make my hair appear a bit thicker. Not to mention getting my hair cut should encourage the waviness of it, which is a gift with purchase from menopause. (One of the only good things about menopause.) I may eventually go with having my hair at shoulder length, but probably no shorter. The Stroppy One irrationally dislikes the idea of a me getting a bob; yes, my body, my hair, etc. etc., but I'm fine with humoring him about this.

Apparently there's an oral form of Minoxidil instead of the regular foam, and I may ask my doctor about it. Why not use the foam? Because it is DEADLY for cats, and Miss Erzabet No Biting attempts to groom my hair on a regular basis.

---

I'm sloooowly but steadily losing weight on Wegovy. I really like that, but I like the reduction in inflammation and pain even more. I haven't had any of the horrible side effects of Wegovy, but I start the "real" dosage next week, so who knows if I'll fall prey to them.

---

My friend Thea, who also suffers multiple types of migraines, had me try this heated face mask with massage. I immediately ordered one, because it's amazing. It even has bluetooth, which means I can connect it to my phone and listen to an audiobook while I'm using it.

---

ANYway, that's all my whiny stuff. How are you folks holding up?

- The Stroppy One has returned from his travels, yaaaay! Especially yay because my sleep immediately turned to awful thanks to having nightmares every night. However I won't get to see much of him (except at bedtime and coffee time) because he's on a tight deadline.

- I caved in and made an impulse purchase from the Bury Me In Bloodmilk FB group, but I've been coveting the necklace with the word "Liminal" since approximately forever. It is going to be one of the never-take-off talisman necklaces; yes, that collection is always a tangled mess around my neck, and I don't care.

- Do I need more sterling silver key pendants? Probably not, but that doesn't stop me from occasionally searching for them. If you see interesting ones, let me know.

- Hey, remember me talking about the pink & black unnerving governess dress that the Madwoman in the Attic made for me and several of you said "pix or it didn't happen"? BEHOLD:

- Also behold the giant slice of labradorite I'm wearing! G-D bless the folks in India who decide to sell directly via Etsy. And dammit, I bet the tariffs fuckery will impact being able to buy from them.

The Stroppy One is away at a show, and my stress nightmares are eating me alive. All of them are about travel fuckery and detainment happening. Do I think it's a valid fear? Not really, because while he's a green card holder, he's also a middle-aged white dude, and the travel is all inside the US. None of that makes a difference to my spiraling anxiety.

---

I had plans for Saturday, but they've radically changed; one of my closest friends discovered her brother had died in his sleep. So I'm heading to Seattle to keep her company and distract her if needed. I'm also going to do some research for her, because her brother had a huge amount of 70s-80s era nerd collectible items, and she's going to need someone to appraise and sell it.

---

Bats' Day (goths at Disneyland) was last weekend. I knew last year that I wouldn't be able to go, but that doesn't ease the melancholy feelings when I see photos from the event. I miss the Haunted Mansion. I miss the giddy lack of stress that going to Disneyland triggers in me.

---

I've hit the point where I really want to be treated like a Victorian invalid and be taken to the seaside for my health. Yes, I want to stroll along a beach, my feet in salt water, and then have someone cosset me by bringing me snacks, tea, and laudanum.

- I had my migraine Botox appointment yesterday! Yaaaaay! My new neurologist is much faster at the process than my old one, but my new neuro specializes in migraines, so no wonder she's faster. I had the traditional "bounce back" headache afterward, but that is miles better than the 1.5 week migraine I'd been dealing with.

- Speaking of my nice new neurologist: she did some research and I'm eligible for a Botox savings program?! Yes, I would like that, thank you.

- The pink hat w/ black lace bats is coming along well. I showed the Stroppy One the hat before I got the supplies together to dye it, and he said, "No, that shade of pink is within the rest of the shade range of your wardrobe, you don't need to dye it". The bats are now all securely glued on; next is a black hat band, foam hat pads on the inside to make it fit properly, then attaching the two different shades of pink millinery veiling.

- I've bought some different fabrics I've had my eye on, because who knows what's happening with tariffs and almost all fabric is made overseas these days. Once the Madwoman in the Attic is done with her current commission, she'll make some more dresses for me. Yes, I know, I already have enough dresses to wear a different one each day for probably over a month, but the idea of one made from burgundy organza with flocked stripes? Of course I need that.

- Tuesday involved me getting up earlier than usual because I had to go to the office for an in-person working session on the thing I presented last week. We got a lot done and have a plan, yay. I also learned a non-work thing: I am WAY more sensitive to garlic than I thought, especially if it's uncooked. I felt inflammation coming on as I was heading back home in the evening, and woke up on Wednesday feeling AWFUL. When do I get the good side effects of being a vampire? When?

- I am, as usual, doing a lot of window shopping. This pink hat with black bats and moons calls to me, of course, but then I decided I could DIY something even more suited to me. Thanks to AliExpress, I have a pink hat with an even wider brim and a bunch of black lace bat appliques. This coming weekend will involve painting the hat with a darker pink alcohol dye, then attaching the appliques. And maybe wide ribbons (attached to the inside of the crown) so I can tie it on if I want.

- I'm also coveting this sterling silver choker with a giant quartz centerpiece, but it's out of my price range. But it's so pretty!

- I'm thinking of taking a day off from work and persuading the Stroppy One we should go to the zoo. The things that are giving me pause are 1) the Stroppy One is about to start deadline work, and 2) the local zoo is very hilly, and will be challenging for me. (There's a part of me that thinks making the trek to Seattle to go to Woodland Park may be a better idea, especially since I could go visit my beloved red pandas. Our local zoo doesn't have red pandas.)

- All in all, things are meh around here, but I'm trying to find things that make me happy. I hope you peeps are also finding things that bring you joy.

- The work presentation that I was working on last week that caused me so much anxiety and stress ended up going really well, and my team has approval to move forward with a dream project. Tomorrow is a big in-office working session about the project with some other stakeholders and my writer who will be driving this, which means I need to trek into Seattle. I'm not thrilled about that part, but there are some people I'm especially looking forward to catching up with.

- Because of all of this last week, I ended up having a two and a half day seesawing panic attack, which I'm still recovering from. I couldn't do my usual way of recovering from such a thing, sleeping for an extended period, because I had social obligations. WHICH WERE AWESOME, but I'm still feeling the aftereffects of last week. In other words, I want to go be a sloth on the couch and then sleep in.

- I saw my big brother this weekend and got a tarot reading. Nothing like having the powers that be drop anvils on my head that I need to stop listening to the Brain Raccoons. Thanks. Yes, I constantly need the reminder, but DAMN.

On the one hand, it's good that I'm so familiar with the symptoms of the bronchial nonsense my body is prone to, because that means I can go to a walk-in clinic, tell them what's happening, and after listening to my lungs the clinician will give me my requested prescription for a z-pack and Prednisone.

Oh the other hand, I'd rather this didn't happen often enough that I'm familiar with the fucking symptoms, y'know?

I spent the entire weekend on the couch, only sometimes complaining that I shouldn't feel that fatigued for doing nothing. Yes, the Stroppy One lovingly glared at me and reminded me that I was healing, NO I should not get up and do things. Plus Miss Erzabet No Biting did her very best to keep me on the couch.

---

I met with my new (local!) neurologist last week, and miracle of miracles, my insurance company sent her the approval for my Botox shots a day after the appointment. I am agog. She also gave me a sample injector of Ajovy to try; I went home and did my usual research on a new suggested med, because while yes, I believe my various practitioners are knowledgeable and competent, I also want to do my own information gathering as a backup. And everything I read on it was a 50/50 split; for some people it was a game-changer, but for others it significantly increased depression and anxiety, caused massive inflammation, joint pain, hair loss, and suicidal ideation. And guess what, the 50% who had the negative side-effects are ones who have the same sort of medical issues I have. So nope, passing on that.

---

Everything is just so damn hard, lately. I know all of you are right there with me in that, but still. Ugh.

I should have kept yesterday's appointment at the walk-in clinic. By mid-afternoon all my symptoms came back, with a bonus of getting really REALY dizzy when I went up the stairs. I have an appointment for this evening.

Again, when I woke up things seemed fine. But now my symptoms are creeping back, and I feel incredibly fatigued. Like, more than my usual baseline of fatigue.

---

I am seriously considering finding an alternative-friendly salon around here and having my hair dyed roots to ends by a professional. Yes, I can do it myself, and usually do. But I also usually got a professional dye job once every few years, so I think it's time.

Let's see: Tuesday's migraine carried over to Wednesday. Which in some ways was good, because I had an appointment with my new neurologist. Yes, she will do the blessed Botox shots as soon as my insurance approval comes in. She also talked about some other possible treatments in addition to, not replacing, the Botox, because I really do have multiple migraine types.

EDITED WHILE WRITING THIS: The neurologist's office just called! Insurance approval happened, and I have a Botox appointment for the 23rd. Yay!

In addition to the migraine, Tuesday night I had bad enough acid reflux that I spent Wednesday coughing up gunk like I had a sinus/lung infection. We made an appointment with an urgent care place for today, but this morning everything was fine. This is all unnerving, but I'll deal with it next week because I've got too many other things to deal with right now, especially since I tapped out of work early on Tuesday, all of Wednesday, and all of today because yesterday sucked so much that I need more rest. Well, I haven't really tapped out of work completely today, as there's a draft document I need to polish a bit more before I meet with someone tomorrow.

Today involved a 7am meeting that I absolutely had to attend. Thank goodness I didn't have to be on camera. Said meeting has caused a low-level migraine, even tho' I went back to bed after it and slept for another two hours. Fucking international timezone considerations, grumble grumble grumble.

---

Last night we watched Tragedy Girls, which is a teen buddy serial killer comedy. It has some interesting things to say about social media, and I, of course, am always here for young women being ... terrible isn't the right word. Maybe "unhinged" is. I had seen the movie before, and was happy to share it with the Stroppy One. Alas, he didn't enjoy it as much. Even weirder, when I talked about how much I enjoy that movie, he looked at me and said, "Y'know, sometimes I really am a little uncomfortable with your choices in comfort media". I tried to explain that these sorts of movies, women accepting and reveling in becoming unhinged and evil, are not only soothing catharsis for my current stress levels, but are a power fantasy for the sort of girl/teen I was. He's still a little unnerved by it all.
:: shrug ::

I'm not sure if listening to Emilie Autumn's Opheliac on repeat means I'm already in Crazytown, but I know it's a signpost.

Part of it is the ambient anxiety from :: waves hands :: everything. And I know another part of it is that I'm so overwhelmed that I can't be as supportive or there for my friends as I want. Therapy is helping, but that's still on a loop in my brain.

Another part is that I am so goddamn tired all the time. Just ... all the time. Even tho' I took Friday off as a self care/resting day, I still feel overwhelmed and exhausted.

I am seriously considering buying the Triple Dagger locket from Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab, not to use for perfume, but to use it to hold a Xanax and an Ativan and add to it my 24/7 talismans so I have them at all times. I'm pretty sure that's another sign that I'm on the path to Crazytown.

In an actual moment of planning self care, I scheduled today as PTO. I plan on spending the day doing nothing but some hand sewing and watching TV.

Speaking of watching TV, there are two documentaries on YouTube about the same subject (and by the same channel) that I just learned about and am going to be watching: Insidious Cult Leader of Vampyre Religion Exposed and Former Vampire Reveals Sacrificial Occult Rituals for Entity. As some of you may remember, I've worked with the dude who's the subject of the videos. I did freelance editing for two of his books, because I was unemployed at the time and he didn't bat an eye at my rate. One of the books, Vampyre Magick, gave my friends and I the classic sentences of "Extrude your fang-like tendrils and lick the aura" and "You cannot live on psychic energy alone, you must have a solid food".

I had my suspicions about his behavior and need to be, in his exact words, the center of a cult of personality. But a paycheck was a paycheck, and I had no proof. I guess my instincts were right.

As many of you know, the Madwoman in the Attic is a seamstress, which is why I have over 15 each of two different styles of dress. (Yes, I am spoiled, and this is why I'm not buying clothes these days.) Yesterday she surprised me with one of my high ruffled collar, long sleeves dresses in black and pink stripes. Eeeeeeee! Tonight I sew on the cuff buttons, and then it's ready to wear.

Am I slowly combining my Unnerving Governess fashion with my classic Cupcake Goth style? Yes. Because it makes me happy.

(I'm still at THREAT LEVEL: BANDOM, tho'.)

So much going on, and while much of it is nibbled to death by ducks (with extra teeth), the combination is leaving me exhausted.

- It turns out I've been being overcharged by a lot for my Wegovy. I spent 45 minutes in a help chat with my insurance company to get that fixed; the rep was very helpful and gave me all the information so I can follow up if needed.

- Speaking of insurance, fingers crossed they don't do anything weird about the new neurologist I'm going to see next week. There shouldn't be any issues because the neurologist's office confirmed they take my insurance, but anything to do with insurance companies is a guessing game at the best of times.

- I saw Dad, and in the course of conversation he mentioned that he was going to have "another" cardioversion. "How many have you had, Dad?" "Oh, a few." Sooooo Dad has slipped back into not telling me what the hell is going on with his health, yay. At least he's now using a cane because of his bad knees? Finally? And of course I'm freaked out about the news of the bullshit going on with Social Security and Medicare, because those things directly impact Dad.

- The ongoing nightmares and stress dreams haven't let up. Let's just say my background anxiety level is getting harder to ignore. I'm going to send a message to my psych about if we need to up one of my meds, or add something to help. I really don't want to add anything, but I also don't want to keep feeling this way.

- Work is its own whirlwind. Last week I was part of a presentation meeting to the R&D executive team about some suggested changes to how we present content to our customers. It went well, but the execs had waaaaaay more questions about my team's stuff than I had expected. Which means, of course, my impostor syndrome is ridiculously high.

- I bought a tiny plush raccoon. Once it arrives, I'm making a sign to hang around its neck that says "LIAR", then I'm going to hang it between my work monitors. (This idea came about from my last therapy session, much to my therapists approval and amusement.)

- A good thing! I wrote a new Gothic Charm School article! People were excited by it! And I've already drafted the next one! Now if I can turn that writing momentum on my fiction project, that would be great.

I feel bad because so many of you are dealing with far more stressful things than I, but I'm just constantly tired and anxious.

Let's see ...

Thursday: redying hair and figuring out my outfits for my photo ops with Mads Mikkelsen and Hugh Dancy. (Note to self, remember to take a fragment of anti-anxiety med BEFORE involving the Stroppy One, king of focusing on tiny details.)
Friday WAS going to be head down to the convention, pick up our badges and leisurely explore the vendor hall and artists' alley. That didn't happen because the Stroppy One barely slept the night before and came down with a painless migraine.
Saturday: get up earlier than I'm used to, get ready as quickly as possible without making myself a ball of stress, and hit the road so we can get to the convention and pick up our badges so we can get in line for the Hannibal panel. I was smart and got an ADA sticker; the folks at registration asked if I had a companion helping me, and gave me a second sticker when I said yes. This was incredibly helpful for the two days we were there, as it let me be in a separate queue that was sent first for anything.
Yet More Saturday: the Hannibal panel was great, and Mads sent the crowd into a frenzy when he said, "Of course we're (indicating Hugh) on board for more Hannibal". :: cue fannibal screaming ::
Even More Saturday! PHOTO OP PHOTO OP PHOTO OP

Saturday the Reckoning: we powered through artists' alley and didn't see anything that made us go "OMG YES", which made me a little sad. And then the Fannibal "meat"-up, yaaaaaaay! It was nice to meet folks who I only knew from online fandom. After that we decided we were waaaaay too tired to manage the Fannibal dinner at Kell's, so wisely went home.
SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY: Oh G-D, daylight savings time. We got to the convention in time for the second photo op! Mads snapped that fan open like a pro.

SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY con't: Autograph sessions, yaaaay! The vendor hall, which kinda-not-really yay. There were so many booths selling things I recognized from browsing on AliExpress.

Things I learned from ECCC: I don't do well with that level of crowd any more, especially with (mostly) dudes with their giant backpacks, and I need to be more honest with myself as to my stamina. However I also learned that Mads and Hugh are very good with their fans, and that my fellow Fannibals are AWESOME. I wish I could hang out with them more often.

And then to wrap everything up, I spent Monday not recovering from the con, but recovering from a REALLY bad night. I had a bout of chills where nothing would get me warm, the shivers caused muscle cramping, and then the vomiting. I feel fine (if tired) now, so it probably was a bout of food poisoning.

- My brain has been an asshole lately; I am having nightmares a minimum of three days a week, almost all of which involve the Stroppy One. Which makes total sense because he's pretty much the most important relationship in my life, but it still adds to the background depression and anxiety. I feel like I'm always one stressful thing from crying.

- I'm thinking of selling my tickets for the SF My Chemical Romance show. I don't want to; not only do I want to see my boys multiple times on this tour, but it was going to be the first time seeing them with the Stroppy One. But Jesus, I am so freaked out by the seemingly-constant plane crashes. But G-D dammit, seeing MCR twice was one of the things I was clinging to for joy.

- I dyed my hair yesterday, and the sections I use the semi-permanent on (the front sides, crown, and bangs) didn't take the color as well as they usually do. Which means I now need to decide if I'm going to switch to using the (awesome!) Goldwell Elumen permanent fuchsia dye I use on the back. Luckily that dye has a clear additive that can be used to lighten the color of the dye so I can dilute it a bit and have the blend of different intensity pinks that I like, but I'm still annoyed that I need to redye my hair. And I need to decide if I'm going to redye it before ECCC, which is this weekend. I'm leaning towards no, because I'm either wearing a hat or flower crowns (it's a Fannibal thing) every day of the show.

So to sum up, meh. Ugh. I hope all of you are having good things happen.

Huh, I guess it's been a while since I've posted. Things are :: tired jazz hands :: yeah. I, like everyone else, am overwhelmed with the state of the world. I keep having to remind folks on my team that WE DO NOT DISCUSS POLITICS AT WORK OMG.

The state of the world, of course, is causing our house to be a vortex of levels of depression and executive disfunction, because who can focus on anything? I'm doing better than the Stroppy One, but only because I'm pretty much forcing myself to for day job reasons. I should probably take a mental health day soon or something.

---

Soooo there's something weird going on with our gas tankless water heater. The taps give hot water everywhere BUT the master bath, and we don't know why. Well, they give a few minutes of warm-to-tepid water then cycle back to cold. This means I've been having short showers instead of baths and I am VERY CRANKY about that. The Stroppy One is calling a plumber in the next few days.

---

Good things! I have plunked down a ridiculous amount of money to attend Emerald City Comic Con in March. The reason it's a ridiculous amount of money is because Mads Mikkelsen and Hugh Dancy are guests, so I have treated myself to two different photo shoots with the two of them together and an autograph session. And a bunch of Fannibals will be there, so I'll get to hang out with a bunch of my fandom peeps!

I got my nails done yesterday - dip powder (a form of acrylic) over forms for length and shape - and it is possibly the MOST cupcake goth manicure ever. I think this will become my standard manicure.

Yesterday was Not Great. While talking to my boss about my Hopes and Dreams for my team, I got so overwhelmed and stressed that I started crying. Way to be professional, self. Thankfully my boss not only understood, but reassured me that she's also a stress crier.

AND THEN A VISIT FROM THE MIGRAINE DEMON. A really bad one. I took an interrupt med and flopped on the couch with Miss Erzabet No Biting, napped off and on, and none of that did a damn thing. The Stroppy One suggested that I just go to bed; take all my bedtime meds plus extra whatever that would help the migraine, and fall asleep early. I was asleep by 11pm, which is unheard of for me.

I don't have a migraine today, yay! But I do have a migraine hangover, ugh. Plus today is therapy + psych appointments, which, good, but I also know I'll cry during at least therapy, and possibly while talking to my psych about meds and what my general level of anxiety is. (Hint: not good.)

So. Ugh. I hope all of you are doing better than me.

When real things happen to imaginary people

'cause I'm here on the other side of a jet black mirror

If this is a coronation I ain't feeling the love

Shallow body image stuff, grrr.

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

A list of random things

So many health updates

(no subject)

(no subject)

Ugggh

threat level: emilie autumn

(no subject)

A good thing

It's threat level: bandom over here

That was a very busy "weekend", so have a long post!

Grumbling

(no subject)

uggggh

Profile

Syndicate

Most Popular Tags

Page Summary

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags