Melancholy

[cupcake_goth]

An anonymous question landed in my Tumblr inbox the other day:

Hi auntie! *slides a tray of gingerbats over* I’ve been reading your website since I was a babybat (over a decade now, oh how time flies!) and I’ve noticed you’ve been steadily updating less. 

I greatly value your insight and advice, as do many other goths. I hope you’re not done with your charm school, you make the world a better place by running it.

It was a very sweet question. But I have already been dealing with an upswing of melancholy over the fact that I haven't posted anything to the GCS site for years, and this ... didn't help. Which I'm sure wasn't the questioner's intention! 

What kicked all of this off was a post I made on FB about the the new Crimson Peak collection from La Femme en Noir. An acquaintance suggested I contact them to see if they'd send me items to review; I replied that there was no point, as I'm not a recognized "influencer" in the subculture. I don't put myself out there as a reviewer on Instagram, I refuse to be on Tik-Tok, and I just don't have the energy. And then I spent the rest of the day mourning my internet presence, ability to write, and health of years past. 

I want to write more Gothic Charm School posts, I really do. I even have ideas for a few. But I don't know when I'll have the time or energy, and it all makes me sad.

Comments

[kore]

Oh, I really feel you there. And those kinds of comments are nice, but yeah, also a total downer!

[jengalicious]

Oh I understand so very much.

[oldhalloween]

Similar feelings about being someone to consult on vintage Halloween is long gone. Mourned my company being gone for a good decade. Younger crowd both making, collecting, researching, and presenting. Now I try to do the things older gals did to help me out when I was just starting. Took a while to get here only I don't mind being a crone and letting the kids do the constant work to stay relevant. Wishing for you a balance in the new year between work and what makes you happy.

[musyc]

Oh, yes. I flinched a little on your behalf. I mean, it's wonderful that they would delight in more posts, but the feeling of "I'm not doing enough" is such a stiletto between the ribs.

Gentle hugs offered!

[lichprincessceleste]

Big hugs. I know how it feels to not have the energy to do things that brought me joy once upon a time. Chronic illness is butts.

[leenerella]

That's some heavy Mercury retrograde energy right there, so there's no avoiding the question unless you want to be asking the question again and again in the future... Time to get some answers without putting value of good/bad on the data. What's true about this situation? What has changed? What do I want? What would it take to have it? What can I change about what I want to match what I can do? Or what can I change about it to utilize the tools that exist now that didn't before? (New channels/formats, new editing tools, new organizational tools... etc.) Can I incorporate this into other things I am already doing, or hope to do? What is the best transition? And who can help? (Because you have clearly created community around this, so you're totally not alone.)

[leenerella]

I wish I could get traction on some type of salon where people hang out with some tea and cookies (IRL or vitually) and brainstorm and solve these types of problems.

[staxxy]

The last day mercury is in retrograde this time is Jan 1st. Set this all aside until Tuesday, and pull it out for consideration after that. **hugs**

Know these things remain true:

- you are an icon of the entire subculture. (you're faaaaaaamousss)
- you actually do have online presence, even without new articles on GCS
- that you have been unable to write a new article for the site is IN ITSELF good fodder for an article, ours is that "but you're all just so depressed" subculture after all. Discussing what you do to pull yourself up from the hard times, when to seek help, and maybe some general resources that are out there like the crisis line or betterhelp.com.
- your timeline is up to you.

- but most importantly: YOU STARTED A NEW JOB, GOT PROMOTED TO A MANAGERIAL POSITION (which you are kicking ass at), SOLD YOUR HOUSE, BOUGHT A NEW HOUSE, DEALT WITH A BUNCH OF FAMILY STUFF, DEALT WITH SOME HEALTH STUFF OF YOUR OWN, HAD STUFF YOUR HUSBAND WAS DEALING WITH, and packing and packing and packing and being involved in the production of events and not just attending them.... You've been fucking BUSY sweetie. Cut yourself some slack about it. And also, I wouldn't be at all surprised if LFeN were happy to send you things to review.

win

[fufaraw]

Well, after Staxxy's excellent post, I feel all waifish and wafty now. I just wanted to say you've been through a bunch of stuff, and you have health issues, and it's nice a person wanted to pay you a compliment, but often people who like what you do don't have any notion of what it costs you to do those things.

I've put down the riding crop and given myself permission to rest until longer days provide more light, and to do my exercises faithfully, and eat well, and trust that I will get better and be able to Do Stuff again. And honey, look at you--you're still Doing Stuff--important stuff in the midst of the winter sads. That's pretty impressive, I say.

[sirriamnis]

I feel you so hard on this. I have not updated my fiction patreon in ages, and I have been struggling with GGR.

Hugs.

[danabren]

Everything Staxxy said.