The medical scheduling people called me back today - it turns out that I was scheduled with the wrong sort of professional. I was scheduled for a virtual visit with a nurse practitioner who specializes in breast health etc., but I actually need an in-person visit with an oncologist. My appointment is now for next Thursday. 

I am a little freaked out by "oncologist". Yes, good, that's the professional I should be seeing. But as some of you know, my Mom had been diagnosed with leukemia when I was 10, so there were a lot of visits with oncologists for decades. Intellectually I know that "oncologist" doesn't mean Oh Noes The Sky Is Falling Scream Terror, but I have now learned that my emotions don't believe that AT ALL. Guess what I'm going to be talking to my therapist about next week. 

Relatedly, I feel like I've been a terrible friend to people. I want to be supportive and there for my folks beyond texts and emails, but I'm so tired. I feel like I've been running from fire to fire for a long time now. But again, my emotions and inherent "I will help! I help and fix things!" programming from childhood mean that I constantly feel guilty. Should I reach out to people and ask for health? Do I tell other people to do that? Yes. Of course. Do I feel like I'll be a horrible burden if I ask for help? ahahahahahaah those of you who know of my childhood are shaking your heads at me. 

(My childhood wasn't awful. But I was very conscious of our being lower-lower-middle class and how tight money was and I (in retrospect) did some parenting of my parents. I am not wired to ask for help or things I need, and now that I've written that WOW is it an understatement.)

(I have nearly deleted the above two paragraphs four times now. Because "I shouldn't bother everyone with my issues". Any of you who see me in person in the near future have my permission to thump me on the head.)

So. That's the state of the Jilli. Stressed, worried, overwhelmed. And freaking out about the absolute trashfire the world is right now. I hope the rest of you are doing better. 


From: [personal profile] anankastick


It is scary and tiring when every answer comes with a bonus question. Also, we know that the people who lean and depend on us don't actually believe we never have needs of our own, but our brains don't believe themselves. I do hope things turn out alright.
oldhalloween: (R witch hat)

From: [personal profile] oldhalloween


The oncologist appointments even when you get the all clear are just nerve wracking. The parenting the parents and not asking for help from a young age is my jam. Therapists are going to be booked solid for the 4 years! Sending you love and light.
tiggymalvern: (Default)

From: [personal profile] tiggymalvern


Sometimes you have to take care of yourself before you're able to take care of other people. You have a lot going on right now, and you already know all that, you just need to convince yourself of it ::hugs::
sistawendy: a cartoon of me saying "Praise Bob!" (prabob)

From: [personal profile] sistawendy


I feel like I've been a terrible friend to people.
"I shouldn't bother everyone with my issues"

Don't be ridiculous. This is nonsense. Even before your biopsy, your body was uncooperative most of the time. Remember last year's attempts to schedule dinner? Everybody who isn't vile deserves some slack, True Slack.
staxxy: TEA! (tea)

From: [personal profile] staxxy


you get to have freakouts. EVEN WHEN EVERYTHING IS OKAY, you still get to have freakouts.

I have a whole big plateful of shit to freak out about, but I just don't have time to freak out because I am dealing with the whole big plateful of shit. And any time I stop long enough to think about things I have to take a xanax to stop the panic attack. but my life being full of freak out worthy things is not something for you to solve. It's not something anyone can solve, honestly.

I am torn between "we need someplace we can just lie on the floor of and try to think about nothing and just stare into the void" and "we need someplace we can just scream and scream and scream"
melworks: (Default)

From: [personal profile] melworks


You are allowed to have limits. You do not have to be there for everyone all the time. You are allowed to ask for help. Drink some water. Take your meds. Listen to MCR on a loop. Watch Hannibal reruns. Turn off the news. Just breathe. You've got this.
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