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The medical scheduling people called me back today - it turns out that I was scheduled with the wrong sort of professional. I was scheduled for a virtual visit with a nurse practitioner who specializes in breast health etc., but I actually need an in-person visit with an oncologist. My appointment is now for next Thursday.
I am a little freaked out by "oncologist". Yes, good, that's the professional I should be seeing. But as some of you know, my Mom had been diagnosed with leukemia when I was 10, so there were a lot of visits with oncologists for decades. Intellectually I know that "oncologist" doesn't mean Oh Noes The Sky Is Falling Scream Terror, but I have now learned that my emotions don't believe that AT ALL. Guess what I'm going to be talking to my therapist about next week.
Relatedly, I feel like I've been a terrible friend to people. I want to be supportive and there for my folks beyond texts and emails, but I'm so tired. I feel like I've been running from fire to fire for a long time now. But again, my emotions and inherent "I will help! I help and fix things!" programming from childhood mean that I constantly feel guilty. Should I reach out to people and ask for health? Do I tell other people to do that? Yes. Of course. Do I feel like I'll be a horrible burden if I ask for help? ahahahahahaah those of you who know of my childhood are shaking your heads at me.
I am a little freaked out by "oncologist". Yes, good, that's the professional I should be seeing. But as some of you know, my Mom had been diagnosed with leukemia when I was 10, so there were a lot of visits with oncologists for decades. Intellectually I know that "oncologist" doesn't mean Oh Noes The Sky Is Falling Scream Terror, but I have now learned that my emotions don't believe that AT ALL. Guess what I'm going to be talking to my therapist about next week.
Relatedly, I feel like I've been a terrible friend to people. I want to be supportive and there for my folks beyond texts and emails, but I'm so tired. I feel like I've been running from fire to fire for a long time now. But again, my emotions and inherent "I will help! I help and fix things!" programming from childhood mean that I constantly feel guilty. Should I reach out to people and ask for health? Do I tell other people to do that? Yes. Of course. Do I feel like I'll be a horrible burden if I ask for help? ahahahahahaah those of you who know of my childhood are shaking your heads at me.
(My childhood wasn't awful. But I was very conscious of our being lower-lower-middle class and how tight money was and I (in retrospect) did some parenting of my parents. I am not wired to ask for help or things I need, and now that I've written that WOW is it an understatement.)
(I have nearly deleted the above two paragraphs four times now. Because "I shouldn't bother everyone with my issues". Any of you who see me in person in the near future have my permission to thump me on the head.)
So. That's the state of the Jilli. Stressed, worried, overwhelmed. And freaking out about the absolute trashfire the world is right now. I hope the rest of you are doing better.