A fanny-pack bustle bag. (Yes yes, clicky-link to Etsy.)

On the one hand, clever! Take something functional, dress it up with layers of frills and make it mimic a bustle.

On the other hand, fanny-pack?! Eeeeugh. Not to mention for it to be secure, you'd need to have a way of locking the zipper so random people behind you couldn't just unzip it and take your stuff.
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