Thinking about things I don't want to do

[cupcake_goth]

I need to start weighing myself again. At least once a month, but realistically it should be every other week. Because next year is the fun of finding a new PCP, and I know they'll want that information.

To say I don't want to do this is putting it mildly. Saying I have a complicated relationship with my weight and my body is putting it so mildly that it's pretty much laughable. I haven't weighed myself in at least two years, and I know that when I do, no matter the number, the self-loathing will start. 

Yes, I want to be slimmer, and I know part of that is the Stroppy One and I eating healthier. (As an aside, if anyone has a good site that will let you list food sensitivities and generate recipes based around them, let me know.) But another big part of it is exercise, and that's getting more and more difficult. Working with Butch the personal trainer has helped me a bit, but it still leaves me wiped out for the days between sessions, so I'm starting to think "graduating" to his small group classes may not be a sustainable solution for me. 

(What I'd really like to do is find someplace that offers water aerobic classes, because that would probably be best for my back and joints in general.)

All of that to say that this is one of my semi-regular "the Body Image Demons are deafening" posts, with a side of mild anxiety because I know I should start weighing myself and yet that will bring more depression. 

Ugh. Stupid mortal shell. Stupid Body Image Demons. Stupid Brain Raccoons. 

EDITED TO ADD: Yes, I know of and have read all the studies about there's no One True Foolproof Method for losing weight, and if, for example, have spent most of your life yo-yoing between diets/exercise/weight loss schemes your metabolism is pretty much fucked and if you do manage to lose weight again you will gain it back and more within 5 years. And they're really good, science-backed studies. That doesn't make a difference to how fucking difficult it is to accept and love my body the way it is.

Comments

[staxxy]

**hugs**

The path of madness is real and a massive ongoing battle, and I sit with you in those trenches (there's a bunch of us there, I know). I gotchu if you need help squashing the BIDs or the Brain Raccoons. (also, haven't caught my neighbor yet).

[danabren]

Stupid bodies, stupid menopause, stupid modern sedentary world, stupid everything.

I hear you.

[ironymaiden]

I do my classes at Seattle Parks pools, so maybe Tacoma has similar? They don't call it water aerobics, though. For searching try hydrofit, deep water exercise, and shallow water exercise. Deep water is the easiest on the joints.
If you are up for a pilgrimage, I try to go in a group with scarlettina and varina8; we're taking a break due to holiday commitments but will restart in January

[amazon_syren]

A friend of mine lives near a community pool (in my old neighbourhood, so an entirely different country from you), and she really like her aqua-fit class. Lots of resistance stuff that's still easy on the joints, and she can soak in the hot tub (or sit in the sauna, or both) before and after, too.

I'm sorry about the body image demons and brain raccoons. They fucking suck. I'm sorry your mortal shell is giving you grief, too. <3

[noxcat]

I hate the phrase 'love your body the way it is'. It's such BS. Some of us are born with crappy bodies, end of story. Bodies that are born defective, or become so before it's a matter of lifestyle.

The real goal should be to accept that, for better or worse, this is the only body we're going to get. And if we take care of it, it will work better and for longer. That's really what it's about.

[sistawendy]

It's a rotten situation, but I'm glad you're at least facing it. If you even want to do any of what I do, let me know and I'll help with gear, etc.

[carmenbeaudry]

The YMCA has water aerobic classes, including some for people with back issues, arthritis, etc. I know the memberships aren't cheap, but the classes are good.

[oldhalloween]

The water exercise classes are always early in the morning!