Depression and honesty.

[cupcake_goth]

 I'm going to be honest, I'm doing so-so to not-great. The slow-moving apocalypse makes it hard to focus on anything I need to do, I'm full of despair and rage about the state of the US, I'm having at least one nightmare every night, and I feel massively guilty about not staying in touch with my family and friends. 

I took a mental health day on Wednesday, and just ... did nothing. Watched some favorite movies, petted the cats, and worried the Stroppy One because when I'm low, my emotional baseline goes flat. Even after almost 25 years together, my having no visible emotional response to anything freaks him out. 

The big problem is that I KNOW the things to do to help a fragile emotional state, and I've been doing them. But this is a lot of stuff to try and combat.

I have just about enough focus and energy to kick ass at my dayjob, but everything else is falling by the wayside because I have no cope, and then I feel guilty about that, wheee.

Anyway, this weekend I'm going to write a GCS post (after missing the past two months) and get the September content for my Patreon done. At least I hope I'm going to do those things. (There's going to be a separate post here about Patreon stuff, and I really want people's comments around it, so keep an eye out.

How are you folks doing? Is everyone in a state of frozen existential despair?

Comments

[ouranophobe]

{{{all the hugs, hair pats, tea, and scones in the world.}}}

Frozen existential despair is pretty much it, yeah. Love you.

[melchar]

Hugs and affection and caring.

We need to take care of each other. No matter that the majority of people are trying their worst to be remorselessly stupid, we need to stay safe.

Even in the grip of despair, you are doing your best. There is no shame in being overwhelmed in this crazy, bad, no-good year.

[staxxy]

I will be making my own post later today that both summarizes where I am at in my own head and life, and what I have been up to in more detail but the short version is:

William Wordsworth began one of his sonnets "The world is too much with us, late and soon" and while he went on in the sonnet to talk about the society of his own time and the choices people made, this line is so applicable to 2020 it's tattooed on my soul right now; except now, it's not just the choices people are making, its things the world is throwing at us too (murder hornets and plagues, eg), which feels like we are being hounded by mother earth herself.

so much is happening that I am paying attention to the news because I am afraid not to lest I be caught unaware of a curfew or the smoke or a moratorium on things necessary to keep me alive (more than half of my medication is made over seas). And there's just been no calm seas all year, no time to catch our breath, no peace or freedom from some new horror every week (every day sometimes).

I worry more about the people who AREN'T affected by these things right now. It is completely reasonable to feel overwhelmed by this year. And because one of the horrors of this year is this ridiculously contagious plague, we can't gather together to help each other cope, or get close enough to each other for hugs or even handshakes. Everyone I have spoken with recently, in EVERY COUNTRY, is overwhelmed with bleak despair.

The good news is that every single thing that is terrible this year will end. There are multiple places in this area alone that are working on cures and treatments that are seeing excellent results and are in the testing phase, as well as hundreds more across this country and in most countries with the capacity for such things worldwide. There WILL be a cure and a vaccine and solid treatment in the not too distant future (although unlikely before 2021). The political stuff that is happening is so extreme that things WILL change as a result of them because there is no way it can't at this point (2020's fucked up'edness has me being non-country specific because this is true in a LOT of countries right now). Things are already changing for the better in many places, and a lot of things will be better going forward as a result of how things have happened this year (not just politically, but like working from home will be less of a Big Deal for a lot of businesses).

tl,dr: you are NOT ALONE, and feeling depressed is a COMPLETELY SANE AND NORMAL reaction to everything being terrible. It is not in your head, shit really is awful. BUT IT WILL GET BETTER, and it will STAY better when it does.

[oldhalloween]

Yeah, I was holding on until the pile of dread got up to my ears. The unrelenting bad news leaves no recovery time. My anxiety is bad and the spouses anxiety is bad. Then I feel guilty since he is worried about people losing their jobs next week with more to come.

The weekly D&D games are saving my sanity right now. Looking for more escape. Watching 20 years of British archeologists running amuck on Time Team is also pretty darn distracting. Highly recommend anything that is not self destructive until things get better. Don't add to the load you are already carrying and cut things back or out if at all possible. Nothing is more important than staying healthy mentally and physically.

[trilliumgrl]

Right there with you. I keep it together for the Kaiju, but it is by the thinnest of margins that I get out of bed most days.
Much like you, KNOW what to do when my brain goblins run amok, but it is so very much that the things that have worked for many years are not working their usual magic.
*hugs* miss you and I understand.

[cofax7]

I'm reminded of that bumpersticker: "If you're not angry you're not paying attention," except now it's "If you're not grinding your teeth every night/laying awake sleepless worrying about a coup/frantic about family members in assisted living/desperately refreshing the polling number at 270-to-win you're not paying attention."

By which I mean: your emotional response is entirely appropriate to the situation. I don't have any solutions for you, other than to try to get as much exercise as you can, it does help, even though it's hard to do.

Hang in there!

[carmenbeaudry]

Like everyone else has said, yeah, pretty much. You're doing as well as can be expected, and better than some of us. Me, if I can manage to get up, shower and dress, i count it good. Anything else is gravy.

[water_of_fire]

Your friends are wonderful and have left beautiful, heart-ful, uplifting comments, and I am grateful for them.

I see you there, Jilli, and I'm holding you in my heart.

[sistawendy]

I didn't see this until just now. I may have been on my way to you as you wrote it.

Just walking on over there isn't exactly polite, I know, but I have to wonder. In your particular black velvet case, is it a good idea?

[danabren]

Seconded thirded twentiethed whatevered.

Staying the hell off Failbook is helping both myself and Cyborg (he watches a lot of YouTube videos on making things) with our surface level dread.

I call my fuckwit representatives regularly. Cyborg doesn't think it helps, but I have to believe that it does.

And I am on assorted chemicals at this point, anti-anxiety daily, muscle relaxants occasionally, and gin as mother's milk.