Let's see: Tuesday's migraine carried over to Wednesday. Which in some ways was good, because I had an appointment with my new neurologist. Yes, she will do the blessed Botox shots as soon as my insurance approval comes in. She also talked about some other possible treatments in addition to, not replacing, the Botox, because I really do have multiple migraine types. 

EDITED WHILE WRITING THIS: The neurologist's office just called! Insurance approval happened, and I have a Botox appointment for the 23rd. Yay!

In addition to the migraine, Tuesday night I had bad enough acid reflux that I spent Wednesday coughing up gunk like I had a sinus/lung infection. We made an appointment with an urgent care place for today, but this morning everything was fine. This is all unnerving, but I'll deal with it next week because I've got too many other things to deal with right now, especially since I tapped out of work early on Tuesday, all of Wednesday, and all of today because yesterday sucked so much that I need more rest. Well, I haven't really tapped out of work completely today, as there's a draft document I need to polish a bit more before I meet with someone tomorrow. 

I'm not sure if listening to Emilie Autumn's Opheliac on repeat means I'm already in Crazytown, but I know it's a signpost.

Part of it is the ambient anxiety from :: waves hands :: everything. And I know another part of it is that I'm so overwhelmed that I can't be as supportive or there for my friends as I want. Therapy is helping, but that's still on a loop in my brain.

Another part is that I am so goddamn tired all the time. Just ... all the time. Even tho' I took Friday off as a self care/resting day, I still feel overwhelmed and exhausted.

I am seriously considering buying the Triple Dagger locket from Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab, not to use for perfume, but to use it to hold a Xanax and an Ativan and add to it my 24/7 talismans so I have them at all times. I'm pretty sure that's another sign that I'm on the path to Crazytown. 

As many of you know, the Madwoman in the Attic is a seamstress, which is why I have over 15 each of two different styles of dress. (Yes, I am spoiled, and this is why I'm not buying clothes these days.) Yesterday she surprised me with one of my high ruffled collar, long sleeves dresses in black and pink stripes. Eeeeeeee! Tonight I sew on the cuff buttons, and then it's ready to wear.

Am I slowly combining my Unnerving Governess fashion with my classic Cupcake Goth style? Yes. Because it makes me happy.

(I'm still at THREAT LEVEL: BANDOM, tho'.) 

Let's see ... 

• Thursday: redying hair and figuring out my outfits for my photo ops with Mads Mikkelsen and Hugh Dancy. (Note to self, remember to take a fragment of anti-anxiety med BEFORE involving the Stroppy One, king of focusing on tiny details.)
• Friday WAS going to be head down to the convention, pick up our badges and leisurely explore the vendor hall and artists' alley. That didn't happen because the Stroppy One barely slept the night before and came down with a painless migraine. 
• Saturday: get up earlier than I'm used to, get ready as quickly as possible without making myself a ball of stress, and hit the road so we can get to the convention and pick up our badges so we can get in line for the Hannibal panel. I was smart and got an ADA sticker; the folks at registration asked if I had a companion helping me, and gave me a second sticker when I said yes. This was incredibly helpful for the two days we were there, as it let me be in a separate queue that was sent first for anything. 
• Yet More Saturday: the Hannibal panel was great, and Mads sent the crowd into a frenzy when he said, "Of course we're (indicating Hugh) on board for more Hannibal". :: cue fannibal screaming ::
• Even More Saturday! PHOTO OP PHOTO OP PHOTO OP 

• Saturday the Reckoning: we powered through artists' alley and didn't see anything that made us go "OMG YES", which made me a little sad. And then the Fannibal "meat"-up, yaaaaaaay! It was nice to meet folks who I only knew from online fandom. After that we decided we were waaaaay too tired to manage the Fannibal dinner at Kell's, so wisely went home.
• SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY: Oh G-D, daylight savings time. We got to the convention in time for the second photo op! Mads snapped that fan open like a pro.

• 

• SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY con't: Autograph sessions, yaaaay! The vendor hall, which kinda-not-really yay. There were so many booths selling things I recognized from browsing on AliExpress.

Things I learned from ECCC: I don't do well with that level of crowd any more, especially with (mostly) dudes with their giant backpacks, and I need to be more honest with myself as to my stamina. However I also learned that Mads and Hugh are very good with their fans, and that my fellow Fannibals are AWESOME. I wish I could hang out with them more often.

And then to wrap everything up, I spent Monday not recovering from the con, but recovering from a REALLY bad night. I had a bout of chills where nothing would get me warm, the shivers caused muscle cramping, and then the vomiting. I feel fine (if tired) now, so it probably was a bout of food poisoning.  



 

Huh, I guess it's been a while since I've posted. Things are :: tired jazz hands :: yeah. I, like everyone else, am overwhelmed with the state of the world. I keep having to remind folks on my team that WE DO NOT DISCUSS POLITICS AT WORK OMG.

The state of the world, of course, is causing our house to be a vortex of levels of depression and executive disfunction, because who can focus on anything? I'm doing better than the Stroppy One, but only because I'm pretty much forcing myself to for day job reasons. I should probably take a mental health day soon or something.

---

Soooo there's something weird going on with our gas tankless water heater. The taps give hot water everywhere BUT the master bath, and we don't know why. Well, they give a few minutes of warm-to-tepid water then cycle back to cold. This means I've been having short showers instead of baths and I am VERY CRANKY about that. The Stroppy One is calling a plumber in the next few days.

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Good things! I have plunked down a ridiculous amount of money to attend Emerald City Comic Con in March. The reason it's a ridiculous amount of money is because Mads Mikkelsen and Hugh Dancy are guests, so I have treated myself to two different photo shoots with the two of them together and an autograph session. And a bunch of Fannibals will be there, so I'll get to hang out with a bunch of my fandom peeps!

I got my nails done yesterday - dip powder (a form of acrylic) over forms for length and shape - and it is possibly the MOST cupcake goth manicure ever. I think this will become my standard manicure.

:: points at title :: Yeah. That's pretty much where I'm at. That's pretty much where everyone I know is at.

- I'm seriously considering switching to only reading the fandom feed on bsky, because I am finding it harder and harder to navigate the line between "informed" and "panicked". I fully acknowledge I've got a hell of a lot of privilege to be able to do that, but I also know that I can't help others or give any support if I'm frozen with horror.

- I, like many, am having difficulty concentrating on anything. I'm trying to stop spending my evenings flipping between social media feeds and instead read an actual book, work on a craft project, write ... anything but social media. It's difficult.

- I'm keeping FB because of some groups I love, and it's the only way to get in touch with some folks. I'm keeping IG because a hell of a lot of small artists I follow only post to IG and TikTok. They don't have regular websites, or if they do you only find out about new music/jewelry/clothes by following their IG. Plus I just found a bunch of plus-size goth accounts to follow.

- I've been listening to Opheliac by Emilie Autumn on off-and-on repeat. Does this mean I'm headed to crazytown? I don't think so, but it's hard for me to tell if that's going on. But last week I had nightmares every night, so maybe? But hey! I have therapy AND a psych appointment tomorrow, so at least I can check with professionals.

( Weight loss talk behind here, for those who want to scroll )

(Man, I've been getting a lot of use out of that title.)

Yes, I've read the Vulture article about Neil Gaiman. I believe the victims. 100%
If you haven't read it, know that it should have ALL the content warnings, because it documents horrific things. Seriously, it's stomach-churning.

I have a LOT of things by him - books, comics, collectibles. I think they're all going to go live in boxes while I decide what to do with them.

I, like a lot of people who had varying degrees of "friendship" with him, am struggling with the specter of "I should have known. I should have seen through the mask". If you're someone struggling with similar feelings, know you're not alone.

(The Stroppy One read the article before me and gave me some serious warnings. He also said that, after reading the article, he realized that I was somehow very lucky in the mid 90s when I met Gaiman and hung out with him at conventions, because I was the sort he preyed on. There's a line in the article, from the reporter seeing the gathering of the women who came forward, describing them as "Dark haired, with delicate features, they could be sisters".)

I BELIEVE THE VICTIMS.

- Our NYE was quiet. We spent the day hanging out with a friend, then spent the evening watching Wicked (which had just hit streaming), and then a compilation on YouTube of goth artist's appearances on Top of the Pops. The Stroppy One had found it previously, and cleverly set it to run so it would end at 11:59.

- Today is packing day for flying on Monday to Arizona for the annual Company Kick-off week. I reached out to the VP and senior VP of Global Sales, introduced myself and talked about my owning localization for user documents and the UI, and asked if I could sit in on the team sessions for their org. They enthusiastically invited me and thanked me for the work I've done so far.

- I'm perpetually fatigued these days. In part because hoo-boy did I let my sleep schedule slide during the holiday break, but I'm pretty sure that's not the only reason. Ugh.

- We are going to have a Christmas tree this year! I think this is the first year since 2011 that we'll have a tree. The Stroppy One indulged me, and a pre-lit tree in PINK is arriving this week. PINK SPARKLY TREE! Things are going to be interesting, because this will be the first time ever that the Kitties of Chaos will experience a tree. My theory is that Vlad will lose his mind in glee and Erzabet will be freaked out. (And yes, we're securing the tree to walls with hooks and fishing line.)

- Mood swings and crying for no reason continue. I'm meeting with my doctor next week to talk about what non-HRT options there are. 

- Related to visiting my doctor: I read the site for the medical weight loss specialist the oncologist recommended to me, and their approaches will not work for me. Intensive exercise isn't possible with my physical issues (plus that lovely post-exertional malaise that is a gift with purchase with ME/CFS), and calorie tracking + very restricted calorie intake will send me on the path of madness of an eating disorder. (Also the place offers "medispa" services, which makes me very suspicious of them.) So! After a ton of research AND being in customer service chat hell with my insurance provider, my doctor and I are going to talk about GLP1 meds. Yes, the "magic bullet" weight loss drug family that's gotten so much press. However, there is strong evidence that that drug family not only helps with weight loss, but reduces inflammation, some menopausal issues, and mental health. (I discussed them with my psych, and he thinks they'd help me.) And because I have some interlocking health issues, there's a strong chance my insurance will actually approve and pay for this med. Fingers crossed.

- I've been getting back into vintage perfume, specifically Opium. Which has gone through several reformulations, so I'm only interested in ones from the 80s to very early 90s. The holy grail, of course, is an OG bottle from the late 70s when it was released. I just got my tiny decant of that from a specialist store, and mmmmm. Yes, this is the sort of fragrance I want. This, Chanel Coromandel, and the OG Thierry Mugler Angel are my favorite "name brand" perfumes; thankfully I have enough of Angel from the era of me wearing it every day that I don't have to haunt eBay to find some. Now let's see if my skin does the thing where it completely absorbs and nullifies any perfume I apply. This started a few years ago, which is part of the reason I collect scent lockets. 

- We didn't have a Thanksgiving. We were going to head out to my step-sister's, but the Stroppy One had been at a big M:tG event since the previous Wednesday. He returned on Monday completely exhausted, and still didn't feel safe enough to drive on Thursday. We're making separate plans with Dad and Patty to see them very soon. 

- At that big M:tG event, the Stroppy One was the most popular artist there. Apparently the shortest time to get through his line was 90 minutes. It was a great show for him, but no wonder he's still exhausted. 
 
- The "change a back closure bra to a front closure" test went fantastically! I promptly bought three more of the same style of bra, and the Madwoman has altered them. Yay, more underthings!

- I've been off HRT for over a month now, and whoo-yeah, it was making a difference. A BIG difference. I'm back to having crying meltdowns for no reason at least two times a week. Do. Not. Want. So there are messages that I need to send to a few of my medical team and talk about what can be done. In the meantime, this is terrible.

- News that shocked my particular section of music fandom: Bob Bryar, the longest-tenured drummer who was with My Chemical Romance, was found dead. (There are additional details but they lead to some pretty gruesome speculation, so I'm sparing you all.) After the band fired Bob, he slowly turned into a pretty unpleasant person who was falling down the alt-right pit, but he was an important part of the band through the end of everything with The Black Parade and all of the MCR fans are in shock.

- The Stroppy One is determined that we will do fun holiday stuff this year. He doesn't have a deadline over December (for once), and he knows that over the past decade or so, I get low during the holidays. That usual mild depression + the no HRT mood swings? Yeah, he is determined to make the month as good as possible for me.